The Fairy Tale Clash
by zane
Summary: Hansel and Gretel get bored with eating and go on a little 'adventure'... all sorts of old fairy tales I hated as a child, brought to life... and screwed up. HEED THE RATING.


The Fairy Tale Clash  
  
  
  
Once upon a time, there were two boring little children named Hansel and Gretel.  
  
Okay, so they weren't little. They were larger than you and I combined, but that's not the point of the story.  
  
Anyways, so Hansel and Gretel were watching MTV (and dancing along, no less!), and eating chocolate and soda, when Hansel came upon an idea.  
  
"I know!" said Hansel, through his chocolate-smeared mouth.  
  
Gretel looked up from her sticky needlepoint (of which she thought of as relaxing), and made her piggy face look confused. "What do you know?"  
  
Hansel smiled, his five chins jiggling. "Lets go find a house made of candy!"  
  
"But we did that last week!" Gretel whined. "Lets go exercise, instead!"  
  
They looked at each other for a minute, trying to understand the joke, when they began simultaneously laughing.  
  
"Eating houses it is, then!" Hansel said, right after he finished up his second three-layer chocolate cake (with ice cream on the side, of course) of the day.  
  
  
  
So, they ran off through the woods behind their house, pointing out various sights to each other ("Oh, look! That's what we had for our midnight snack!"), but forgetting the breadcrumbs, seeing as they weren't exactly the brightest faces in the crowd. Crowd of themselves, that is.  
  
After a five-minute walk, they reached the Evil Witch of the West's house. Of course, she wasn't home at the moment, but that didn't really matter. They had found a house made of candy!  
  
"Mmm…" Gretel voiced after twenty minutes of gorging. "Them's some good eats."  
  
Hansel looked up from his side of the house a burped. "Nah, I thought it tasted sorta bland, ya know?"  
  
Seeing as they had finished eating the Wicked Witch of the West's house, they moved on.  
  
  
  
They made it all the way to the other side of the forest – leaving behind several houses made of candy, even more candy wrappers, and losing Hansel's lethal supply of Double-Chip Chocolate Sugar Chip Chip candy bars.  
  
"Ooh!" Gretel groaned as they made it to the end of the forest. "I'm so full!"  
  
Hansel shook his blubbery head in reply. "I'm not. I could eat another house!"  
  
Out of nowhere, a buttery voice of an elderly witch came up. "Nibble, nibble, like a mouse… who's that nibbling, at my house?"  
  
Ignoring her, the Super Two gasped, discovering that they weren't the ones eating the new house. "Grr… I'll get you!" Hansel yelled, jumping on top of Goldilocks. She immediately screamed, which brought Mama Bear running (she thought she sounded like Baby Bear) and Gretel ran away, screaming. Not that anyone cares, of course.  
  
Hansel looked up, into the great visage of Big Mama. "Eep…" he squeaked out, looking reminiscent of a bottle of recently squeezed toothpaste.  
  
"Don't you be fuckin' wit' mah dahlin' baby human, ya hear?" B.M. roared out. Goldilocks began looking all smug, with the proclamation of the unusually large mother bear.  
  
"Heeey!" a group of southern female truck drivers jumped out of the bushes. "You're stereotyping!"  
  
The author shrugged, muttered something like, "What the HELL was I THINKING when I first wrote this thing?" and sent the drivers away.  
  
Hansel, for the first time in his blubbery life, had an idea that lit up his face (reminiscent of that one time with Jack, the giant, little red riding hood, and the epic case of constipation… not that you CARE or anything.)  
  
"Hey!" he yelled out. The crowded meadow (the house had ran away, leaving a large oven and the old witch [inside, of course] behind) got quiet. "Bears don't have human children!"  
  
B.M. nodded, in a look that told everyone that she knew that, already, thank-you-very-much, and she wasn't an idiot. "Duh. She's gonna replace that porridge she stole… as if you didn't know that already…" she winked to the reader.  
  
"Eep…" Goldi said.  
  
(And, just to end this 'fic with a bang…) All of a sudden, several more fairy tales crashed into this demented version of one.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Disclaimer:  
  
I own everything, of course. Since nobody specifically knows WHO created whatever fairy tale, I own it all. Excluding mentions of MTV and The Wizard of Oz. They are owned by whoever owns them (though Frank L. Baum is the better of the two, in my opinion…)  
  
  
  
Author's Note:  
  
Uh. Wow.  
  
I originally wrote this in a long-ago English class (of which I had half a period to spare and didn't have anything to do), so I just revived it… no offence is meant to any of the minority groups (bears, southern female truck-drivers, obese people). Most of them (well, all except Hansy and Gretty) were created in the dead of night. What can I say? I was bored.  
  
If anyone else thought up this idea, than, uh, I'm sorry. I didn't notice it. (Either that or I didn't bother looking, or I don't care.)  
  
This is also my first humor story… a parody, originally, of Hansel and Gretel. Now it contains Goldilocks and the Three Bears, Jack and the Beanstalk, Little Red Riding Hood, and, the only non-fairy tale: the Wizard of Oz.  
  
In the next chapter, we'll view Lil' Red, Old MacDonald, and that dude with his finger stuck in a pie or a plum or whatever. LuVz AnD kIsSeZzZ!!11 (no)  
  
zane, 1/20/02  
  
  
  
Wanna see more? Review, please. 


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